nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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