Your face is a jimmy john
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Dating After Heartbreak
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.