don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....