That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!