So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy