i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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