I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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