I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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