When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If I die, sorry about rent.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
