I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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