You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
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do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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