you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
