My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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