The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
