I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
