soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
