I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
