Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
