He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
