If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
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