My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
