I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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