between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
