I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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