There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
