Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
