i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
