K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
