I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
