So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
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finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't deserve a penis
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I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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