I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
