my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
