fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
