Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize