he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
