What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
