One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.