It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
