I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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