The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
