I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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