so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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