I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
