The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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