I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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