I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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