so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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