i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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