I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
