Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
