She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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