Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
