this boner is exhausting
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
