Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
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My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
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We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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