yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
