I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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