I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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