I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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