you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
