Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
