i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I didn't notice because vodka
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
