You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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