You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
