I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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